“I thought that when we moved, it would all be better.”

Here’s the transcript:

A fellow author friend of mine was telling the story that she had revamped her leadership structure. She’d optimized, she’d delegated several things. She’d gotten the right people in the right places and moved her family from the United States to Europe. And she was six hours ahead. And she thought for sure, now that she’d done all those things, everything would just start to fall into place because, you know, everything checked up on the box.

And what she said was, “Nothing changed. I just moved myself and my overworking from one place to the other.” She was getting up early; she was working six hours before everybody else, and then continuing to work afterward. 

Nothing had changed other than her location. 

And unfortunately, that is a really common issue for leaders, and there are a few different reasons why that happens. 

ONE: The Fallacy

We have the fallacy of “when I get there.” There is this idea that when this happens, this will be the answer. And that rarely works. There has to be some kind of change, not just “when this…”

Underneath is something deeper. 

That also showed up when I was giving my workshop last week, “How to Diagnose the Pattern AI Can’t Fix.” And I was talking about this training is for this type of person, and I put this slide up: for leaders who are highly responsible, they are good at their job and what they do, but even though they’ve done all of these things, one of the things that was still happening. I listed three of them, but the bottom one is “Rest feels dangerous.”

Rest feels dangerous. 

And someone in the comments was like, “Oh, that hit a little hard.” And it’s because it does feel dangerous. And it was the same idea that happened to my friend. She had literally created more time by doing the optimization, by delegating, doing all the things, check, check, check. But she didn’t finish the job—because the job didn’t start on that checklist. The job started on the inside.

And so rest—and the way we live—rest is a component of living a life full of joy, because it recognizes that you are human and you have limits. And if you don’t recognize that for yourself, there are lots of stories about your body’s going to do it for you.

We have this struggle with rest, and it feels really weird. We’re like, ah, rest should feel great, like I want to rest. Just the word rest makes us go—here’s why that happens. Rest feels dangerous because we have connected our work and our productivity to our worth and identity. 

We have connected work and productivity to our worth and identity. When we equate those two things, of course rest feels dangerous. I have to keep working because you have to keep proving. If your proof of being worthy is all wrapped up in doing, of course, you can’t stop—that’s logical. So even though the things are checked off on the list, rest is still going to feel dangerous because you haven’t changed that mindset. That is problem one.

TWO: The Body

Problem two is that you have created that inside your nervous system. You haven’t solved it physically. Here you can change the mindset, but your nervous system hasn’t realized it’s safe. Rest does not feel safe because your worth has been tied to your identity for so long. Rest is like, ah, it feels dangerous because your nervous system sees it as a threat.

And I know that’s like, wait, but what? I’m supposed to rest. My body has to sleep. Yes, your body will eventually sleep, but rest is not the same. It is an intentional lack of productivity, in some ways. 

Rest is a weapon against your life falling apart. 

Actively, actually, even though we’re not doing or producing, rest is doing the work. And that is so weird to us. And our nervous system sees that as a threat.

One of the ways that you have to reset your nervous system is the things that we talk about here when we talk about joy and connecting with people. That is the key piece that connects to start to solve your nervous system—connecting with other people. You have to fix the mindset first, and then remind your nervous system by being with other people who are also practicing this skill, because rest is a practice. 

It is not an arrival. It’s not, oh, once I get the vacation, everything’s going to be okay, because then you’re in the same loop as before. It is connecting with other people who do that, who feel like “ahhhhh,” because you start to feel your humanity rather than your productivity. So that connection with other people will help reset your nervous system.

THREE: It’s Not Instant

Then you have to practice it by setting yourself up with healthy structures. One of the things that my author friend talked about in her story is that she started to replace some new rhythms in those early six hours, so she could think differently. She did different work. She took a longer morning and adjusted her day, but she wasn’t overworking. She had to develop new structures and habits and rhythms in the first part of the day.

Sometimes, I think leaders who get stuck in this, “I can’t rest,” are trying to live their life as if it’s not the life they have. Have you ever done that? You’re like—or how about this—have you ever seen the person who really loves that particular haircut and they just have kept it for like fifty years. And you’re like, oh, okay, you like it, you fell in love with it, great. Now, normally don’t love to comment on people’s appearance, but we all know that we get stuck.

We’re say, “I like this.”

“Is it working for you anymore?”

“Well, I’ve always done it this way.”

Sometimes we live our lives like that too, in the way that we run our actual day. When you get up, the way that you do your email—you can’t do that in the same way when you’ve got middle schoolers that you are mom-taxiing everywhere, as when you have a newborn, or if you are single and on the road ten days out of the month. It’s different. You can’t pretend that your life is the same all the time. And that radical acceptance of reality is an important part of learning how to practice rest. 

You have to set yourself up with new rhythms.

So if you’re like, I don’t know if that’s really me or not—I just want to, if you didn’t see this on my Instagram recently, I just want to show it to you because I think this is relatable. Do you recognize that? I’m just going to show you one more time. Nope. I got to keep doing it. And you probably saw a lot of them out in the world like that this week, ’cause you know, it’s a fun Instagram meme, but real. It’s really, it’s so true. You’re like, oh, that panic feeling.

So if you feel that panic feeling, it’s a sign that you might be identifying your worth as the same as your work. It’s a sign that your nervous system might need some resetting. You might need to learn how to do something differently, and you might need to reset some rhythms and rituals.

Those are the things I want you to look at. If you’re like, “uh, that’s me, I already know that’s true”—when I put this, if I put this slide up like this and you’re like, oh yeah, that, that’s me, that feels like you—then Joyosity Core Advantage, you’ve probably seen some of my emails, the coaching program that starts on Friday is for you. And if you’re like, okay, I just need some more information—absolutely, I’m happy to give it to you. So the applications are open, all the details are in the link in your email.

Even if you’re curious, if you felt a little seen by this, I highly encourage you just to look through the application. You don’t need to fill out the application. But if you get through it and you’re like, “Oh yeah, that. I think this could help me,” fill out the application. 

All it is is to help you think about it more, help me make sure it’s the right fit for you. And then we’ll decide where to go from there. And if you’re like, I think I’m doing okay, and you’re feeling like rest is good, I love that for you. Share this with somebody that you know might not be doing so great.

My Rest

I want to leave you with how I’m practicing this right now. I do this newsletter every week on Wednesdays. You faithfully read—thank you very much. And I’m trying to figure out what my new rhythm is with Jolt of Joyosity, with the Joyosity Podcast, and how I communicate with those of you who have trusted me with your information. You’ve seen me speak. You’ve been a client. And I’m trying to figure out what that looks like. 

So I’m going to take a few weeks off from Jolt of Joyosity.

I’m not going away. You’ll see other emails from me if I think something is like, oh, that’s fun to share—I’m going to share that. But I’m going to take a couple weeks off. It’s probably just going to be two or three weeks. I’m not going to be gone for a long time.

But I just wanted to share that, so you’re like, “Wait, what’s happening?” I may share links to some “in case you missed it”—we might put something together like that. But I need to also practice this rest, because I have run a bit of a marathon in writing and launching a book and creating a new program, the Joyosity Core Advantage new program. I need to rest a little bit, too. So I’m going to practice that, even though it feels very vulnerable. It feels very scary.

I also know that when I rest, it is a weapon against my life falling apart. And it is a key part of practicing joy. So thank you for trusting me.

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